Then the bleeding started... This is nothing too unusual for me. I've experienced that with all of my pregnancies but I've also miscarried before so it's still unnerving. One night it was so bad that I had to go in to the ER. Ugh... Finally after waiting and waiting, we saw the heartbeat... That little flicker is always so exciting and reassuring. It carries with it an immediate calming to my soul. It's such a reminder of God's intricate handiwork growing inside of my body. Meanwhile, I later had a follow up ultrasound and all still looked good. I was still nervous to tell folks but I knew the facts were that at that moment all was okay. Then a few days later, the bleeding intensified and I was really expecting the worst. The doctor wanted to do yet another ultrasound due to the amount of bleeding and just to be sure. Lo and behold, there was that heartbeat--thumping even stronger at over 160 beats a minute! I've had complications with all of my pregnancies (and deliveries) but the OB came up with a valid reason for the bleeding and reaffirmed that the baby was just fine--"No need to worry." So I didn't... I just tried to "lay low" (yeah right with four kids under 8, homeschooling, and Sy's therapy, but I did my best). And I just laid the worry aside and trusted God that all was okay. And I really trusted...
So yesterday morning rolls around and I went in for a prescheduled doctor's appointment. The morning was pretty hectic and it was easy to forget the importance of what we were going to do. We remembered to stop and pray right before going into the office for the well-being of our little one.
Since I was still bleeding, we did another ultrasound. After what seemed like an eternity of watching the doc's eyes scour the monitor, I heard those words that I will never forget.
"Guys, I hate to tell you this... There is no heartbeat." Silence. "I'm sorry."
As tears start to stream down my face I keep thinking, What?! Oh, God no! Lord, just help me breathe. I can't completely fall apart here. The doctor went on about me needing a d&c asap because I was ten weeks along and I had already been bleeding so much. He could also see a lot of blood pooled around the placenta. Unfortunately, I had eaten a small breakfast so we would have to wait a few hours. I hardly heard what he said--I was still working on just breathing. Then, Jordan interjected and asked if there was any chance at all of our baby still being alive. The doctor confirmed that he was 100% positive that the baby was gone...we knew to be with Jesus. He then left to schedule my surgery and to give us a few moments alone...
Jordan and I just clung to each other, clasped hands, and then cried out to God and thanked Him for this miracle of life. We told him how we knew he was holding our little baby in His arms. That was comforting but I must admit, I felt and still feel a little jealous. I now have four babies here on earth and two in heaven. It will be such a delight to meet the other two some day. They must be pretty remarkable because God obviously wanted them to be with Him early on. And through it all, I still know that I can completely trust Him... His ways are not my ways and His ways are so much higher and better for me than I can possibly understand. Despite the hurt, grief, and sadness, I am so thankful that God used me to be His vessel to bring these children life.
I'm not one to have feelings regarding whether a boy or a girl, but throughout this pregnancy the name Corban has really resonated with me... It means a gift or offering to God. I think heaven inherited a new Corban yesterday.
Side note: Yesterday, as we were pulling out of the neighborhood, a magnificent rainbow was coming down right beside us. Thanks God, for reminding us of your love and unmatched promises!