Unexpected Gain and Devastating Loss

So God totally shocked us about six weeks ago... We found out we were expecting another baby! This was nothing outside of a complete miracle because all of our other children have required me taking meds or herbs in order to conceive. We thought we were finished with birthing babies and the doctors definitely have encouraged this... So when I say we were shocked, I really mean SHOCKED! Let's just say that we were preventing in more ways than one. :) Of course after getting over the initial freak out, we knew that God wanted this baby and we were excited to grow our family from six to seven! Wow!!

Then the bleeding started... This is nothing too unusual for me. I've experienced that with all of my pregnancies but I've also miscarried before so it's still unnerving. One night it was so bad that I had to go in to the ER. Ugh... Finally after waiting and waiting, we saw the heartbeat... That little flicker is always so exciting and reassuring. It carries with it an immediate calming to my soul. It's such a reminder of God's intricate handiwork growing inside of my body. Meanwhile, I later had a follow up ultrasound and all still looked good. I was still nervous to tell folks but I knew the facts were that at that moment all was okay. Then a few days later, the bleeding intensified and I was really expecting the worst. The doctor wanted to do yet another ultrasound due to the amount of bleeding and just to be sure. Lo and behold, there was that heartbeat--thumping even stronger at over 160 beats a minute! I've had complications with all of my pregnancies (and deliveries) but the OB came up with a valid reason for the bleeding and reaffirmed that the baby was just fine--"No need to worry." So I didn't... I just tried to "lay low" (yeah right with four kids under 8, homeschooling, and Sy's therapy, but I did my best). And I just laid the worry aside and trusted God that all was okay. And I really trusted...

So yesterday morning rolls around and I went in for a prescheduled doctor's appointment. The morning was pretty hectic and it was easy to forget the importance of what we were going to do. We remembered to stop and pray right before going into the office for the well-being of our little one.

Since I was still bleeding, we did another ultrasound. After what seemed like an eternity of watching the doc's eyes scour the monitor, I heard those words that I will never forget.

"Guys, I hate to tell you this... There is no heartbeat." Silence. "I'm sorry."

As tears start to stream down my face I keep thinking, What?! Oh, God no! Lord, just help me breathe. I can't completely fall apart here. The doctor went on about me needing a d&c asap because I was ten weeks along and I had already been bleeding so much. He could also see a lot of blood pooled around the placenta. Unfortunately, I had eaten a small breakfast so we would have to wait a few hours. I hardly heard what he said--I was still working on just breathing. Then, Jordan interjected and asked if there was any chance at all of our baby still being alive. The doctor confirmed that he was 100% positive that the baby was gone...we knew to be with Jesus. He then left to schedule my surgery and to give us a few moments alone...

Jordan and I just clung to each other, clasped hands, and then cried out to God and thanked Him for this miracle of life. We told him how we knew he was holding our little baby in His arms. That was comforting but I must admit, I felt and still feel a little jealous. I now have four babies here on earth and two in heaven. It will be such a delight to meet the other two some day. They must be pretty remarkable because God obviously wanted them to be with Him early on. And through it all, I still know that I can completely trust Him... His ways are not my ways and His ways are so much higher and better for me than I can possibly understand. Despite the hurt, grief, and sadness, I am so thankful that God used me to be His vessel to bring these children life.

I'm not one to have feelings regarding whether a boy or a girl, but throughout this pregnancy the name Corban has really resonated with me... It means a gift or offering to God. I think heaven inherited a new Corban yesterday.

Side note: Yesterday, as we were pulling out of the neighborhood, a magnificent rainbow was coming down right beside us. Thanks God, for reminding us of your love and unmatched promises!

Anderson Live Show Clips (Updated!)

**Updated show clips to show full segments, including intro video and surprises. They are hand recorded and the audio is a bit low, but it should be clear enough.

Thank you to all of you who tuned in to watch our handsome boy make his daytime TV debut. We all were very happy how the show was put together and we are so thankful to the Anderson Live crew for having us there. We really hope that we were able to help at least one person in some way. There's only one complaint...I still have not received a phone call to become a jewelry hand model on QVC. Did they not shoot my amazingly strong, yet tender hands enough?

We've been looking to find the entire interview. We've found both parts, but the first one is not the greatest quality. We'll keep looking and try to find something better. Anyway, thanks to the person who took the time to record this on their TV! Here you go! Oh, and also, just for the record, I'm really proud of both my son and my smokin' hot wife.

Lastly, a huge thanks to those companies that blessed our family in a huge way...Bunny Luv, Global Organics, and Lego! I just noticed that this part isn't on the video. Big hugs from Sy for these great folks!

If you can't see the videos below click here for part 1 and here for part 2. Enjoy!

Here's still the portion straight from the show...much clearer.

Cinco de Ashy-o & Anderson Air Date!

We've had an eventful last few days... Sunday was Asher's FIRST birthday! I can't believe it's been a year since that kid came out backside first and folded up like a laptop by a lady with no pain meds (if you missed that story, you need to read it here). It's been a great year of joy with this little guy and we were able to party at our local Mexican Restaurant (viva Mexico!) with a group of friends, a mariachi band, and a bunch of folks we didn't know. Here's some pics from the day:

Who could resist a fiesta with a bandit like this?

Don't mind if we do!

Poncho or placemat? You'll never know!

Ash was surprised when the whole restaurant sang to him! Feliz Cumpleanos, little guy!

Ole!

Someone had too much Cinco in his Mayo.

I think our Spanish-speaking cake decorator thought we wouldn't notice the English! Excelente!

It's Finally On!

Ok, so we also just got the news that our Anderson Live show will finally be aired tomorrow, May 8th. Check your local listings for when it comes on...some places it's morning, some it's afternoon. We just saw a preview today and Sy is looking great! Click here to get the show info.

Let's say a prayer and hope that our family is able to let the real Light shine in our story!

Listening Heart Required!

So get this...

The other day, I'm in the kitchen juicing and prepping Sy's food goodness. Since I'm a guy, I can usually only concentrate on one thing at a time, so I was pretty involved in my work. Nothing was going to stop me from producing some high quality nutrition!

Before I get any further, let me tell you that Sy decided one day a while back to start reading through the New Testament when he wakes up in the morning. It seems like he just started yesterday and he informed us that he is already through Acts! Let's just remember that this kid is only six! Makes me smile when I know that he is reading God's love letter to him! It's also a reminder to not let the most important instruction manual fade into the background.

Now back to the kitchen...

As I'm scrubbing carrots, Sy comes quietly into the kitchen and watches me work. He then began a dialogue that drew me in right away:

"Hey, Pop?"

"Yeah, buddy..."

"I think God is speaking to me."

!!!??? Although I continued working to keep the conversation natural, Sy had every bit of my attention. I knew in my heart that God didn't want me to miss a word of what was coming up next.

"Oh yeah? What's he saying?"

"I think God is telling us that we need to go."

This is one of those times that I knew God was speaking to me through my son. It was also very clear and appropriate for our hearts. Through how God has been teaching us and calling our family, this statement had a huge impact. Even though I knew, I still asked to see what else was stirring in his heart.

"Where do you think God wants us to go?"

"Either where we've been talking about or wherever he needs us. Like Paul and Silas in Acts. They went wherever telling people the good news."

Oh snap.

It has been amazing to watch God work on Sy's heart. Sy is someone who enjoys his home, his toys, and all the perks of staying where we are. The rest of us are more willing to accept change. This is just another example of the power of God's Word and it's ability to transform us on an individual basis.

Thank you God, for moments like this. Thank you that even though I don't listen to you all the time, you still get messages to me and my family. Please give me the courage to lead my family and keep the focus of their hearts as the most important way of providing for them. I am weak, but you can do great things through me!

As you finish reading this, we ask for your prayers. We ask that we would have amazing wisdom and clarity and that we would pursue His leading with reckless abandon!

Excuse Me...Did You Lose Something?

Last night, as Heather and I were finishing kitchen cleanup and making our way to bed after another long day, we had the first opportunity to really talk. Not just be in the same car or the same room like we did most of the day, but give each other our undivided attention. As Heather continued to talk and share her heart, I realized that it was snowballing into more than either of us planned. God gave me a great opportunity to appreciate my wife and what REALLY lies in her heart. Our time ended with tears and much needed prayers. I know how my wife goes way beyond the call of duty (often to her detriment). In the middle of the whole process, I again realized the weights my wife carries (or ones that are pushed on her) and this verse popped into my head:

"If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles." Matthew 5:41

So, how'd we get there, you ask? I guess it all started when I heard that someone said to Heather, "So, it looks like things are going pretty great for you guys." At first glance, this seems like a pretty benign statement. And you know what? Things are not just pretty great, they are really great compared to many other people in this world. We have a marriage relationship that gets better the more we are together (seriously, it's crazy), we have our kids who we can hug and kiss (not enough), we are experiencing physical health in a whole new dimension with Sy, we have a roof and beds to sleep in, I have a job that pays (most of) the bills, we have cars that run, we have a great community around us, and we have a Father that continues to call us out to a life of abundance. The list goes on and on, but I'm sure you get the idea.

But there's the other side of things that people don't necessarily see. The fact that our marriage has taken the biggest beating ever over the last several years... That although it's so worth it, this therapy doesn't stop and it's more work than the two of us can handle... That our kids are actively seeking God, asking questions, and are ready to be led, but there's often times no one is available for this meaningful conversation... That there are still serious concerns about Heather and her physcial health, lack of sleep, and emotional load... That our world is really financially crumbling even though I know without a doubt that God has led me where I am professionally... That we recently received news that radically affects our household and the future of our family as we know it (another blog post to come)...

And all this just underscores my point.

My wife has numerous reasons to complain, whine, fall on the floor, kick, scream, walk away, bail out, flip the bird, etc. But that's not who she really is. I know it. I get to see and experience her heart in a way that other's don't. Even though she's left at home with four little rascals, she ultimately chooses JOY. Even though homeschooling with two babies is not really possible, she chooses JOY. Even though a juicing/nutritional therapy is way too much for our family, she chooses JOY. Even though she doesn't get a break and has been begging me to find an "Alice" (like from the Brady Bunch), she still chooses JOY. Even though her husband has constant bad breath and leaves messes, she still chooses JOY. Even though she is often buried beneath huge amounts of verbal vomit, a hand sticks out and waves a JOY flag. Even when everything around her is screaming at her to let go of her joy, SHE WON'T LET GO.

So why does is appear "like things are going pretty great for you guys?" Because our God who is Great shines His Spirit through my wife in ways I only wish I could. When Heather speaks to others, she is intentional and focuses on them more than herself. When she fields complaints and deals with "life-drainers," she continues to do everything she can to be a "life-giver."

I'm often embarrassed by how differently I would handle the conversations she has with people. Since I love to drag out and drop the huge axe of sarcasm, I've told her to start telling people that complain that "...I am so bored every day. We really wish we had something to fill our time. Our family just sits around with blank stares on their faces."

I know for a fact that I married the right person. Thank you, God, for making my wife unlike any other!

If you see this lady, will you please give her our number?

"Time Of My Life"

So you know those times when you just sit and and enjoy the moments?! A few minutes ago, Jordan started humming "The Glory Of Love..." I was sitting on the couch thoughtfully planning out next week's homeschooling schedule while blankly staring at my batch of cloth diapers on the drying rack that needed to be put away and I absolutely cracked up! Who even remembered that song existed?! Rewind back to 1986 and Peter Cetera. The next thing I knew, we were ready for a karaoke duet battle. Then we typed 'ol Pete (don't judge) into Pandora... Hilarious! The sad part is that we knew every song by heart and this isn't even the genre of music we grew up liking. If only I could remember scripture or something actually useful near as well... (Right now I'm singing "I Don't Have the Heart" by James Ingram and still know every word 20 something years later.)

Anyway, I just have to soak in these moments... Us laughing... All of my babies in bed asleep... The roaring of the juicer in the next room and ... Oh snap, now it's Hungry Eyes!! Anyway, God just reminded of these simple treasures in life and to savor each and every moment. I think we're going to make it a new tradition to pick out the most random artists and find their stations on Pandora a couple of times of week just to get some chuckles and be crazily amazed at the brain's ability to remember song lyrics! It might end up being a "Hard Habit To Break!" Lol!! (Ooooh, now it's I Can't Fight This Feeling by Reo Speedwagon... Yes, I know. I'm a slow blogger.)

Update: I just had "The Time Of My Life" and now "Heaven Is A Place On Earth." This is hysterical! Maybe our next station will be Eddie Money!!! :)

Caught in the Monster's Grasp!

This past weekend, we were hosted by the great folks at the Monster Challenge mud obstacle race. It was so much fun to come see a bunch of crazy runners doing some messy stuff.

As a blessing to our family, they invited Sy to be a guest of honor and helped raise funds to support his therapy. Sy had a great day and we were blown away by everyone's generosity. Here's a few pictures from all the fun!

Go team!

Check out this sweet trophy...

Sy even made friends with a Nordic warrior (and got to keep the axe!)

This is our friend and neighbor, Mr. Moses, making light work of the "Tarantula Traverse."

Smiles all day!

Our family just wants to thank all the people at Monster Challenges for allowing us to be a part of such a great event. We would also like to thank all the folks at Roe Family Chiropractic (especially Renee) for helping us continue Sy on a path to total healing!

Thanks again everyone! Sy had such a blast.